The Forty Days

With Yom Kippur (the Jewish Day of Atonement) rapidly approaching, I became curious about how other religions approach the process of admitting and atoning for one’s sins.  Although I’ve always ‘fessed up to my sins on Yom Kippur through prayer, fasting, and quiet reflection, I have never really had to verbalize some of my less-than-admirable acts to another person.  (Betsy tells me that’s what Jews see therapists for.)  Yet I’ve always wondered . . . is there something cleansing and cathartic about admitting one’s sins out loud, anonymously to another person, especially to a spiritual counselor?  With actual sins on my mind that I feel need unburdening, I resolve to answer this question by attending a Catholic confession.

I would like to note at this point that I am not doing this to be funny, and I hope that this post is in no way offensive to Catholics or any other religious individual–I take my spirituality seriously, I treat this as a serious, introspective activity, I have something specific that I have wanted to unburden myself of for quite some time, and I am genuinely curious about the potential beneficial effects of verbalizing these things in a Catholic-type confession. This is not to say that I would do this in the absence of this blog, but that is part of the point of the blog–to force me to engage in experiences I would not otherwise engage in.

I begin by typing “Catholic churches in Austin” into Google (because how else does one find anything these days?) and begin contacting several churches around Austin to determine what time confession is held. After finding a nearby Catholic church with convenient confession times, I contact the church and explain to the person answering the phone that I am a non-Catholic, non-Christian but want to participate in a confession.  She does not know whether this is permissible and transfers me to one of the priests. I explain the same thing to the priest, and he informs me that I can go into the confession booth and unburden myself, but he cannot administer the Holy Sacrament of Confession, as I have never been baptized.

I show up at the church at the time I tell the priest to expect me, I enter the confession booth, and again alert the priest to the fact that I am a non-Catholic, non-Christian.  After telling me that it is ok for me to proceed, I unburden myself.  I will not go any further in describing the content of the confession because (a) it involves a private matter and (b) I want to respect the priest, the church, and the ritual.  I can say, however, that nothing I confess is too bad or exciting, so don’t let your imagination convince you that I robbed a bank or something and got away with it.

I’m not really sure how to process this experience right now.  The conversation is emotional and meaningful, and the advice given by the priest is well-taken.  Having recounted my sins to an objective, non-judgmental, spiritual counselor, I feel somewhat cleansed.  I feel good leaving the church, thinking that I have taken a step in addressing and moving past any sins I might have committed.  It will be interesting for me to compare this experience with my experience during Yom Kippur this year.  I think I really like the process of verbalizing my sins and not having to wait an entire year before atoning for them.  Maybe I just feel that I haven’t really owned up to something until I say it out loud.  Or maybe I should just embrace my Jewishness and see a therapist every once in a while.

*Don’t worry, Mom and Dad, I am not tempted to convert to Catholicism.  I am proud of my Jewish heritage, but, for whatever reason, this is an experience I wanted to have and a window I want to peek through.