The Forty Days

There is one immutable truth about living in 21st century America–DJ’s are cool.  I don’t know if it’s the cool names (e.g., DJ Jazzy Jeff of Fresh Prince fame and DJ E-Z Rock of Rob Base semi-fame), or because they’re four feet higher than the rest of us on the dance floor, or because my body is simply a slave to the fresh beats they are laying down.  Whatever the reason, the truth remains that they are cooler than us.  Well, at least they’re cooler than me.  But that’s not difficult–the guy who yells at pigeons in the park is cooler than me.

So in a misguided attempt to increase my coolness quotient, I am going to learn how to DJ.  I meet my teacher Ryan at his house for my lesson, and he begins to skool me in the basics of spinning.  Spinning is all about beats per minute (bpm’s for those in the know).  Anyone can play one song, but to create a mix (i.e., overlay the songs) and smoothly transition from one song to the next, you have to match the beats–that is, get two different songs with different bpm’s to match up.  Sound complicated?  It actually is.  According to Ryan, it’s all about mathematics and multiplication.  Did you know that DJ Jazzy Jeff actually scored a 760 on the math portion of his SAT’s?  True story.  And by “true,” I mean that I just made that up.

Ryan proceeds to show me how it’s done.  By the way, Ryan is available for hire to play what those in the music industry refer to as “gigs.”  Check out his website.  He’s playing a gig this Saturday, Steel Groves’ 28th Birthday Jam, from 11 pm to midnight at Burleson Warehouse on 4700 Burleson Road.

After my instructional lesson, I step up to the turntables.  I assign myself my DJ name–it’s DJ Chicken Salad (for no other reason than Ryan has a chicken salad sandwich for dinner), and I turn on them beats.  However, it soon becomes very clear that I am taking the short bus to DJ school.  I am not good.  I can’t match the beats, and I can’t tell which beat on which song is faster or slower than the other song.  But I like playing with all the spinning thingies and the little knobs on the mixer.  They’re shiny.  I think the main problem is that spinning requires actual musical talent and a musical ear, both of which I entirely lack.  There’s a reason I quit piano and trombone lessons by the eighth grade, Mom!

The good news is I think I look pretty cool.  And I had a blast.  And that’s all that really matters, right?  I may look like I know what I’m doing in this video, but I assure you, I don’t.  Thanks, Ryan!  Long live DJ Chicken Salad!