2009
09.29
09.29
Are you unorganized, slovenly, or flat-out lazy? Have you had a hard day at work and need a back rub? Do you just need someone to make you pudding on demand, thereby fulfilling your inordinate pudding-related needs? You, my friend, need a personal assistant.
I am going to be someone’s personal assistant for one day of these forty days. If you want that person to be you, you need to explain exactly why you deserve to have me subordinate myself unto you. Comments will be accepted until 5:00 pm on Friday, October 2, 2009. I will pick the winner thereafter based on need, creativity, alleged attractiveness, and location.
Stop reading and write a comment. Seriously.
I am all of the above which I think makes me the most qualified! I need you and your wife to come visit/”help” me move to Arizona! It’s much cooler than Austin!
PS…I promise not to make you change a boom boom diaper
Okay, I definitely need a personal assistant. I am unemployed and need help doing all of my daily bullshit. Becker, as my P.A., ( those in the know call it by P.A.) you will have the honor of following me around the house as I try to find shit to do. It will be hella boring. You will get a free lunch. I hope you are down..
Probably not.
Let me know if I can help in any of this mania.
Dave
What an awesome idea! I am loving your project. So much fun to read about.
I need a personal assistant because I’m a single mom with two kids and a full-time job, and there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. I promise not to make you change any diapers either, but the backrub and pudding sound great. So far I haven’t had any luck teaching my 6-year-old how to give me backrubs. Nor to make me pudding either, come to think of it! Maybe you can get him to start pulling his weight?
I have too much stuff going on in my life! I have parties to attend, baked goods to prepare, a girlfriend to keep happy and another lady to woo, a camping trip to go on, stuff to clean up post-Burning Man, and tons of household tasks to attend to which got neglected because I was working on stuff to take out to the desert. I got dry cleaning that needs picked up, groceries and booze need procured, gifts that need shopping, airline tickets to be bought… all more than my middling organizational skills can handle.
This one only applies if you can travel to the SF area, which may be a plus actually if you’re looking to get out of town. A friend directed me here so I decided to at least toss my hat into the ring just for funsies, because this contest is all about the funsies, and kicks just keep getting harder to find, ne?
(I am also inordinately hot, and have tons of incredibly hot open-minded friends. Maybe this is true, maybe not. But you want to find out, don’t you?)
Lets see…My day starts at 3am, when I get to the trolley to bake muffins…then I am basically trapped here until 3pm when I can close up shop and SUPPOSEDLY go home and relax. If I wanted 8 hrs of sleep I would go to bed a mere 3 hours later, but thats just insane. After all who would prepare my meals, shop for tomorrows ingredients, Go to Ace mart to get more muffin papers and 20oz cups? Who would update my twitter, my facebook, my myspace and my blog commentary? Who would stare blankly at my past due tax returns and silently will them into completion or listen to my man mate go on about end of the world preparations and political fodder? Who would call my mother and tell her I’m fine and no the stalker did not show up at work today? There simply isn’t enough time in a day. A personal assistant is EXACTLY what I need. Will you wear swim trunks and a straw hat while you’re my P.A? I always wanted a cabana boy too – we could kill 2 birds with one stone!
Would you be willing to be the personal assistant for my household of two? I am an environmental scientist, a swimmer, & a newbie to Austin. I have IKEA furniture that needs to be purchased, transported to my apartment, & assembled. I have boxes of books that need to be placed on the IKEA shelves. I have swim practices to attend, meals to prepare, & social calendars to coordinate. My partner, a speech language pathology student at UT, has collegiate administrative details to deal with, student organizations to participate in, softball AND flag football practices to attend. We both need to get our Texas driver’s licenses sorted out. Our mothers need to be called occasionally.
We are both friendly & attractive, & don’t forget that we’re lesbians (which increases our intrinsic hotness, am I right?). And we live right here in Austin.
I need a personal assistant next Tuesday, Oct. 6, to help me staff two pre-opening celebrations at a new restaurant called Zoes Kitchen. Hours:
10 a.m. – 9 p.m.
Location: Downtown Austin and the Arboretum
Dress: Business Casual
Appearance: You would need to trim your beard in advance with a #2 blade
Tasks may include:
Buying coffee and breakfast (you would be reimbursed for this)
Welcoming guests at the door and checking them off the RSVP List
Passing out goodies as guests leave
Attending to various event needs that may include helping set up the band, light candles, and help buss tables.
Keep watch over various purses and laptop bags
Help schmooze guests and record feedback from the events
Make suggestions for how we can improve
While I would love you to be my personal assistant for a day, you have already done enough for me on this blog — I’m definitely satisfied with you dressing as a clown for my birthday (with full makeup and balloon animals) and also helping raise a total of almost $500 for Austin Pets Alive.
After reading the above heart-rending and thoughtful pleas — my vote goes to Karisa or
angledge. Of course, there are still a handful of days to get in comments. It will be interesting to see who you choose as the winner
You Rock, Sir Becker.
David,
I need you to be my personal assistant any Monday or Tuesday. I really need to crank up my new foam machine and take some still photos and video of the machine in action. Fun is my first name. Heck, my phone number spells DR-PARTY. Call it if you are skeptical. That’s 512-DR-PARTY. Lunch with me is an adventure. You’ll get a great T-shirt as a parting gift. You may wear whatever is comfortable for you. I work smart (not hard) so the day starts between 9:15 and 9:45am. We’ll begin up at my shop near Braker and I 35. Staying with the “work smart” theme we cut out around 4:40pm or so. Mondays tend to be the busiest day of the week so we may stay til 5:15 on a Monday. I recommend close toed shoes as well and a pair of sandals if you intend to play in the foam.
I don’t really need a personal assistant but I love this adventure you are taking and I am fun so I recommend that you choose to have me be part of your journey. Also, you can get some really great photos and video when you assist me.
Best of luck,
Greg Gordon (Superhero)
512-DR-PARTY
Wait…you know how to make pudding? Why have you been holding out on me all of these years? Even though I’m probably disqualified from this contest due to a conflict of interest and disproportionate levels of attractiveness
I’m throwing my hat into the ring simply because I need – and deserve- pudding on demand. Make mine chocolate, por favor. xoxo!
angledge should win.
I’m putting together a website chronicling my strange, daily activities over the next few weeks, and I could really use an assistant. It’s sort of like your Forty Days, but it will also include funny stories and witty commentary.
I’m more interested in Pikey’s situation above with his girlfriend and the lady on the side that he’s wooing. Instead of pleading for assistance for myself, I vote for Pikey so we can find out more about his “thing on the side” gig he’s got goin’ on. I’m picturing a 1980s style buddy movie with goofy shenanigans and maybe a montage or two. You two will take turns distracting/occupying or wooing and then swap. It’ll be like Perfect Strangers and you both get to be Balky at some point. This could even just be a whole new day for you aside from the PA work.
Oh, and is Pikey also hitting on you and offering up some adultry for you at the end of his (I assume…) comment? Please do the Pikey one!
So it seems that people are flaunting their attractiveness to try and pull you in. I’m gonna go a different route. I can guarantee that you will be the more attractive out of the two of us, a bonus for you as we hit the town. I will absorb insult after insult as I live vicariously through your powerful city lawyer good looks.
On to the day’s plans:
I will roll out of bed sometime between 9 and 10 and depending on the previous nights happenings will need you to hand me some advil, some flintstones chewables, or just bid me a good morning like Mary Poppins would. If you can do it, I’d love a song or maybe just some nice humming to wake me and welcome me to the day. We’ll then go see how my dog is doing for a few minutes. I’ll have you rub his ears and say “Good boy” for a bit while I entertain myself with the nature happening outside my place. You really can’t enjoy nature enough.
Next comes food. I like to keep it healthy, so we’re gonna have you make me something delicious that contains soy, soyrizo, or soy joy. You may make yourself anything you like from my fridge or pantry, though avoid the pizza rolls – those are for special occasions.
As for the day’s work. I’m going to choose a day where I will have many meetings at the office and I’d like you to come as my secretary/stenographer. You don’t need your own stenographer’s machine as I’ll provide one. I expect in these meetings that when I make a joke or say something somewhat funny you either high-five me or say “That’s what she said.” I need backup like this so my coworkers will respect me. This will continue for hours.
After work happy hour. We’re going to hit the town and entertain some of the lady folk. I think something on West 6th will do. Bring your A game as we’ll need it.
Dinner. Boy, this is going to be tough but I’d like you to come on a date with me. Not you and I silly, but you and me and a fine lady-friend. The duties here will be very similar to the ones in the day’s earlier meetings but instead of high-fives we’ll need a winks-and-gun thing. You’ll have to dress up though in a tux for this since we’re going to class it up and go to a fine eatery.
After dinner. If the date went well, you get to play with my dog. If it didn’t I suggest we watch a movie to mourn the date. Perhaps When Harry Met Sally? I’ll provide grapes.
At the end of the night I will thank you and we will part ways, never to speak to each other again.
Dear David,
If you’re looking to escape the Austin heat, and get a glimpse of the not-so-high life of a tenure-track assistant professor, I invite you to come to gorgeous upstate New York. It’s brisk in the mornings, the leaves are turning amazing shades of rust, yellow, red, and the local apple farms specialize in cider donuts this time of year.I wish I could tempt you with the good looks of the young co-eds on campus, but since RPI has a 3:1 ratio of men to women, you’re more likely to encounter young men who know more about comics, Artificial Intelligence, engineering, and physics than you or I either care to (or are capable of understanding). You can see what it’s like to be one of the rare female faculty members teaching humanities at an engineering school. I’ll be sure to time your visit so you can help me comment and grade 40+ papers.You can relive your college days and pull an nighter marking those papers. Or in lieu commenting, maybe you can help me organize ten years’ worth of archival research and materials as I prepare to write the next chapter of my book. If you come and help out, I promise to acknowledge you in the credits when the book is published. And don’t worry, it will get published (or I’m outa a job). Maybe you want to teach a session of my course “Writing in the Digital Age,” since you’ve dived right in with this project? Maybe you’d rather teach one of the sessions of my first-year course “Representing Israel and Its Conflicts”? As you can see, being a personal assistant would provide you with a great many opportunities and options. Oh, and did I mention there are decent plum or jalapeno margaritas at a place called Jose Malone’s which combines Irish and Mexican food? You will get to visit not only Albany, the capital of New York and home to the NY legislature and EGG (of architectural infamy), but also Troy, also known as the collar city, home of Uncle Sam.
Thanks for considering my request,
Jan
(students if you see this,If I were be so lucky to be selected, I’d ask permission to share your work first, and only if you agreed would I teach the art of commenting. Neither your consent or lackthereof would in any way affect your grade in the course
I am actually applying for my best friend Rachel who has a horse farm in Bastrop county. She is getting over knee surgery which is not ideal for a horse trainer. She has 20 horses on her place and 5 cows. She begins moving horses into the barn at 7am for feeding. They get let out later and she cleans stalls. She spends the day teaching lessons, training horses, fixing fences etc. None of this has been easy as she has been healing from the surgery (she got kicked repeatedly by a scared horse in a horse trailer).
She could use a P.A. to go do errands for her while she teaches lessons, do some home repairs and a zillion other things she needs to do but has no time for..
of course I would be happy to have you be my P.A. for a day too, but I am fairly boring. Full-time working mom, traveling husband, 5 year old who loves airplanes, trains and weapons. Got 2 cats, 2 dogs, and 2 horses at home on some acreage. I need a P.A. on the weekends so I can get stuff done that the 5 yr old is not crazy about. So you’d be saddled with building with things with lego’s, blocks, watching movies (Bolt and Peter Pan are faves now) and anything to keep his busy mind active.
I am the horse trainer Nell told you about. While I would love to have a fun-loving assistant for the day, I would warn you that ranch work can be rather physical. We are currently trying to get water & electricity run to the old log cabin. We have to be careful where we run the lines since there is an archeological dig going on next to the cabin. They work on the weekends and like to drink beer and talk after their day of digging.
You really should pick Nell to work for… she bakes the best cookies and is one of the most fun individuals I know. And she doesn’t have 23 horses to look after. Good luck with your adventures.
-the one-legged-horse-trainer
Ok, so it’s well beyond the stated deadline, but I’m going to leave my one-liner pitch anyway…
I work with your father-in-law, and at one point, so did you. That makes you perfectly qualified to be my personal assistant – you’ve already done the OJT.