The Forty Days

I like money.  Earning money through hard work and long hours, however, is for suckers.  I like to WIN money.  But I don’t like to win money because I have a particular skill set (e.g., pool, darts, etc.) or knowledge about a subject (e.g., sports, trivia, etc.), but because of pure, random chance requiring as little skill, knowledge, or brain activity as possible.  I’ve passed by bingo halls in large, dilapidated shopping centers for years now, and I have never had the motivation, fortitude, or time to enter one.  But today is different.  Today I go into not one, but two, different bingo halls and attempt to answer such questions as: “Who goes to these things?” “Can you, yes you, become a millionaire through bingo-playing alone?” and “Will computers one day overtake the human race, subjugating us to an existence of either serving our machine overlords or forming rag-tag rebel armies to resist them, as foretold by the documentaries The Terminator and The Matrix?”

I arrive in Dallas around 2:30 pm (I am spending a few days visiting my parents, sister, and Nana).  We arrive at the first bingo hall for the 3:45 pm session.  As we approach the entrance, it appears that this place has been around since before I was born.  Perfect.  The cost is $5 for nine cards or $35 for a “Bingo Magic” computer which plays 66 cards.  Excuse me, did someone just say Bingo and computer in the same sentence?  Apparently, you need only type the bingo numbers into the computer, and the computer simply informs you when you have bingo.  Finally, someone has invented an easier, simpler way to play bingo, while simultaneously removing any shred of enjoyment inherent in the game.  Thank you technology.  Now us humans do not have to expend the extensive brain power required to match a letter with a number and place a mark in a square, ultimately determining whether said marks form a line in a vertical, horizontal, or diagonal direction.

Considering ourselves bingo purists, my family opts for the actual bingo cards.  We sit down and read the rules for the set of games we are about to play.  But what’s this?  There are wild numbers?  Certain games require three bingo’s?  What happened to the regular, one-line-in-any-direction bingo?  Why you gettin’ all fancy on us, dilapidated bingo hall?  Because our feeble minds cannot comprehend these cryptic bingo rules, we befriend some regulars who kindly explain the meaning of all of this.  (According to an employee, approximately 85 percent of the people in the bingo hall are regulars.)

Having gotten the low-down from the locals, we are ready.  The first game starts, and I’m marking my card like a man on a mission.  Within five minutes, someone yells out bingo.  Wha???  I don’t even have one bingo, much less the required three bingo’s to win this game.  I bet he’s using one of those godforsaken computers.  I essentially label him a cheater and move on to the next game.  Needless to say, none of us come close to winning anything.

We go home, rest, and return to a second bingo hall for the 9 pm session.  The second bingo hall is fancier than the first.  There’s a security guard, carpeting, and an old-timey covered wagon in the corner for some inexplicable reason.  Although I now consider myself a bingo purist, I decide that I have to face my nemesis head-on and use a computer–mostly because of some pseudo-journalistic obligation I feel to my thirteen readers to report the full bingo experience.  Yes, dear readers, for you and you alone, I am compromising my steadfast bingo morals and prostituting myself to the technology that will surely lead to the downfall of bingo and most likely the end of the human race as we know it.

I ask the employee to explain to me how to use the machine, and she essentially says that all I need to do is hit the “Enter” button after each number is called.  It will inform me if I have bingo.  Wait . . . I don’t even have to type the numbers in myself?  Are you kidding me?  Can I just have a monkey press enter while I run across the street to buy myself a Slurpee and a snickerdoodle?  I also play three traditional cards in order to maintain a minimum level of brain activity throughout the session.

The machine actually adds an interesting aspect to the game.  Because it plays 66 cards at a time, I am closer to bingo every game.  (The computer displays my three best cards and tells me how many numbers I need to win.)  This adds excitement.  And during the third game, after it becomes clear that Nana is playing on the wrong set of cards, I notice that I only need two more numbers.  I get one of the numbers and now I only need one more.  Come on I 25, come on I 25.  I 25.  Seriously?  BINGO!!!!!  The crowd goes wild (and by “crowd,” I mean my family–the crowd actually looks pretty peeved that we are loudly rejoicing in my ironic victory).

I wait patiently for the bingo man to pay me my money–$665!!  This is money that is soooo not well-earned, and that is the sweetest kind.

I quickly revise my stance on bingo computers.  They are reviving this game!  Bingo was dead, and what brought it back to life?  Computers.  Machines.  Technology.

Oh, machines.  I love you.  I hate you.  You will rise up and enslave the human race one day, won’t you?  But that day is far off, and until that time, I’m going to enjoy all the things you do to make my life just a little easier, including helping me procure sweet, undeserved cash.

In all seriousness, this was a really fun family day.  We would have never, ever, ever gone to one, much less two, bingo halls had it not been for this ridiculous blog.  Maybe good things happen when you try something new–probably not, in the ordinary course of events, fistfuls of cash, but something good.  Maybe.

For those of you who, like myself, are disgusted that I won this much money playing bingo, I assure you that the money will go to (1) funding some of my adventures throughout this forty days, (2) repaying my father for buying my bingo cards today, and (3) charity.  In fact, I am donating $300 to Austin Pets Alive!  Right.  Now.  Thank you East Plano Bingo!