The Forty Days

My father once said that “there’s no such thing as a free lunch.”  I’m not sure where he heard this, or what it means exactly, or what was being served for lunch that day, but I’m pretty sure you can still get tons of stuff for free these days.  Take for instance craigslist.  Under the “For Sale” section of craigslist, there is a link for “Free Stuff.”   Upon clicking the link, there appears tons of stuff people are giving away absolutely for free–not many of them lunch-related–but free nonetheless.  So today I am going to prove my father, everyone else who has uttered that saying, and the lunch lady from my middle school wrong.  I am going to see how much free stuff I can acquire off craigslist in a day.

There are, however, some limitations.  First, I can only pick-up those items that will fit in my Prius.  This requirement eliminates some pretty great stuff that is available, such as hot tubs, appliances, furniture, an above-ground pool, and a chicken coop.  Second, I can only take items that I can either use or donate to Goodwill.  This eliminates the numerous items of broken electronics and broken pieces of small furniture that are available.  Finally, I won’t take anything that it going to make my beautiful Prius substantially dirty, which eliminates the free dirt and the free plants (which must first be removed from the ground by anyone who intends to claim them).

I begin in the morning by scouring the recent posts for freebies.  Most of the posts only contain e-mail addresses, so I begin sending e-mails regarding the items that fit within my above-listed criteria.  A few posts contain phone numbers, allowing me to contact the owner directly, but no one I contact picks up.  Finally, some posts contain an address and state that the free items are on the curb, available to the first taker.  Then I see a post for a free haircut.  That sounds pretty awesome.  Unfortunately, however, the date the haircut is being offered has passed.  It would probably have sucked anyway.

I soon begin to receive some e-mail responses.  One response is from an e-mail address with the handle “creepy666.”  Yikes!  I’m already a little paranoid about meeting someone from craigslist at a private residence where he or she abducts me, shoves me in a well, and repeatedly yells at me, “It puts on the lotion!”  I convey my fears to creepy666, and she informs me that the e-mail handle is a joke, she is not a satanist, and I can pick up the item (a coffee maker) at her work at Austin Community College.  What the hell–creepy666 sounds trustworthy.  She is, and I score a free coffee maker.

I then go to a house in Westlake to pick up a VCR.  An old woman, who is clearly overwhelmed by her upcoming move, answers the door and invites me in.  She also gives me a painting of an old wooden house.  I’ll take it!  As we’re walking out, we hear a dog barking.  She says, “Just what I need–a barking dog.  That really advances the ball.”  Ha!

When I return to the car, I look on my iPhone craigslist app to see if there are any new posts, which I do periodically throughout the day.  First, I see an ad for a sheep’s head.  I immediately send an e-mail stating that I am really, really, really interested, and pray that whoever is at the other end of that e-mail responds.  They never do.  Why?????????????????  I also see a post for some great looking yard toys, and I rush over to the listed address, only to find that said yard toys are all gone.  No!!!!!!!!!!  I am somewhat heart-broken, despite the knowledge that the yard toys probably went to a family with children who will enjoy them.  Yes, I am a terrible human being, but doesn’t everyone understand that this blog post needs some sizzle, which could have been effectively provided by some yard toys and a sheep’s head?  Plus, I really wanted to put that sheep’s head under the covers of the bed during the middle of the night, so that Betsy would wake up screaming like that movie producer in the beginning of The Godfather.

After lunch I see a post for free hope and freedom.  A number is listed, which I immediately call.  The woman tells me that she spoke with God last night, and he told her to spread hope that people can overcome drug and alcohol addiction.  Ok.  That’s a little odd but a nice gesture.

I resume collecting free goods–25 coffee cups from an old lady at a Senior Citizens’ Activity Center; a stack of British humor magazines from some British dude; a bunch of folders and mail trays, and a container of Enfamil baby formula which I had to drive 25 minutes for.  Why would I drive 25 minutes for one can of baby formula?  Because I’m an idiot.  Why am I doing any of these things for this blog?  Same answer.  And then in response to a post for the Twilight series of books, some lady e-mails me adobe copies of the books.  Oh, ok.  Thanks, I guess.

I drive by a couple of places with free stuff allegedly on the curb, but there is nothing there.  There are no new interesting posts, people have stopped e-mailing me back, and I have no fresh leads on free goodies.  I decide to call it a day and drop off my new-found treasures at Goodwill.  Yes . . . yes I will take a receipt for a tax deduction.  Thank you.

Well, I think I have proven my point.  I acquired some pretty terrible but absolutely free stuff with only several hours of effort.  I mean, that stuff is probably worth $7.50!!  All free.  Of course, if you count the gas I wasted driving around all day and factor in the money I could have made by doing actual work during those hours, I probably ended up losing about $103.  But that doesn’t count, right?