The Forty Days

Today, Jodi Bart of the local food blog Tasty Touring and I will determine for the first time ever whether man can survive on food samples alone for an entire day.  I’ve heard stories of poor college students eating a meal by simply perusing their local grocery store aisles for delicious little freebies.  But I have never heard of anyone eating only food samples for their entire daily sustenance.  Will we survive?  Will we find a way to fill our bellies with bite-sized portions?  Will our hunger turn us against each other, with the student poised against his former master, in a blogger-versus-blogger, no-holds barred, old-fashioned blog-off?

I will give my perspective of the day–the “He Said” part–on this blog, and Jodi will give her perspective–the “She Said”–on her blog Tasty Touring.  Jodi’s post will likely entail a more detailed description of the food itself.  My post will more likely involve inane and semi-coherent ramblings.  Bon appetit!

Lunch

10:42 am, Downtown Austin Farmer’s Market:  I am not usually a morning eater, so I’m not too hungry, but my stomach is starting to growl.  Roar.  I sample some hummus, jam, pesto, and curry.  But there are no crackers or breads on which to apply said foodstuffs.  Without a cracker, I am essentially just sampling liquids with little sustenance.  I wash down these samples with some more liquid–herb tea samples and a sample of Jim Jim’s water ice.  We bump into a friend of Jodi and Adam’s, who says she needs to go breast feed her baby.  I’ll take a sample of that please!

11:41 am, Sunset Valley Farmer’s Market:  The market is plush with a variety of samples–fresh pecans, pesto, hummus, agave pecan granola, wholegrain shortbread, english flapjacks (whatever that is), duck bacon, bison jerky, kale crisps, blueberry lemonade, Kombucha, and cheese spreads.  Most importantly, the vendors provide crackers with the pesto, hummus, and cheese spread samples.  Thank you, vendors, for this efficient and filling delivery mechanism for your lovely spreads.  “Are you interested in purchasing?” a vendor asks.  Nah, I’m just browsing.

1:02 pm, Sprouts:  After picking up my friend Rick from the airport, we all head over to the newly-opened Sprouts off Brodie Lane.  As soon as we approach the entrance, there is a sample of blue tortilla chips to welcome us.  In the deli section, we find some blueberry scone and focaccia bread samples, but the rest of the store is sample-free.  We approach the bulk bins and consider helping ourselves to some samples but read a sign stating, “If you would like a sample, please ask!”  Fine.  I find an employee and tell him I would like a sample from the bulk bins.  He gives me a confused look and tells me to go for it.  Great–but don’t give me a confused look next time, Sprouts employee, as I am merely following your company’s printed and framed instructions.  We help ourselves to large quantities of gummies and chocolates.  At this point I wonder whether all this random food I am consuming is going to get along in my tummy–or am I just going to have a bout of explosive diarrhea by the day’s end?

1:13 pm, World Market:  Besides having some great furniture, World Market also sells wine and food.  Yup, it’s one of those furniture/food-type establishments that keep popping up all over the place.  Finally, I can buy my potato chips, beer, and chaise lounge all in one convenient location.  Samples are scarce–biscotti and potato chips–but we sample some wine and St. Arnold’s Octoberfest beer.  L’Chayim!

1:36 pm, Costco:  Jack.  Pot.  Costco is filled with hot, healthy-portioned samples.  Little tables are stationed throughout the store and manned by pleasant, good-natured individuals, who want nothing more than to wear their hairnets and give us samples.  Smoked salmon, tomato and mozzarella, mini-quiches, bourbon and popcorn chicken, five-cheese lasagna, grapefruit, pancakes, protein bars, some terrible dreamsicle-tasting vitamin drink, and cookies freshly baked with what appears to be an easy-bake oven.  I’ve gotten my protein on, have a full belly, and am officially done with lunch!

Dinner

6:02 pm, Whole Foods Market:  Dinner starts off well at Whole Foods where, according to my wife who works in the corporate office, you can sample pretty much anything in the store.  Jodi and I plan to put that to the test.  We sample a cornucopia of delicious items as we make our way around the store–BBQ (sausage, chopped beef, and pulled pork), chips and guacamole, pineapple, grapefruit, oranges, salmon jerky and candied salmon, a variety of seafood soups, vegan apple pie and cheesecake from the raw foods bar, wine, risotto, kale, nuts, gelato, truffles, kale, and salami.  Jodi gets feisty as we approach the cheese counter and tells the cheese monger, “I want to sample your most expensive cheese.”  The cheese monger is unfazed, tells us about two different expensive cheeses, and lets us sample them.  Yum!  Determined to test the bounds of this apparent sample-anything policy, Jodi approaches the sushi counter and asks for a sample.  She is rejected–possibly because of the nature of the request, possibly because the sushi guy did not fully understand the request itself.  We could spend the entire night at Whole Foods sampling everything the store has to offer, but after an hour, we feel compelled to move on to our next venue.

7:17, Central Market:  Samples are unfortunately sparse at Central Market.  We only see a few samples of different cheeses.  We realize that samples may have only been prevalent in the afternoon.  We approach the bulk bins and again see a sign telling us to ask an employee before we sample.  We track down an employee, who gives us her permission to sample away.  We again go for the gummies and chocolates.  I take a picture of the sign to the right, and an employee immediately asks me not to take pictures inside the store.  Really?  The Costco employees loved posing in pictures with us.  I approach the wine bar and kindly ask if they are sampling any wines.  The bartender acts like my question is completely absurd and somewhat rudely responds, “No.  You have to like pay for wine here.  We’re not just giving it away for free.”  Oh, so sorry, missy–you’re right, who’s ever heard of free wine samples?  Oh, wait, Whole Foods and Spec’s.  As we leave Central Market dejected and hungry, Rick says, “The only sample we got there was of their ‘tudes.”

7:48 pm, Sam’s Club:  We suspect that Sam’s samples may be gone, and we are right.  No!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:53 pm, Spec’s:  I want to end the night at Spec’s because the last time I was there on a weekend night, there was a large variety of alcohol samples.  Tonight, however, there is only one lady serving wine samples, and she doesn’t even have cups.  We offer to drink straight from the bottle, but she surprisingly declines our generous offer.  We find some more cheese samples, get a sample of ham at the deli counter, and wander in search of other samples.  We find a stack of sample cups lying around and ask an employee if we can take them to the wine sample lady.  We also ask the employee where all the alcohol samples are, and he tells us that on Saturday they are from 2 – 5 pm.  Whoops–who planned this?  Why did he not do any research beforehand?  We take the cups back to the wine sample lady for some hard-earned wine samples.  As we walk out of Spec’s, I get the distinct feeling that I have not eaten a proper dinner and that I will soon be hungry.

Lessons Learned

1.  Whole Foods and Costco are the best for free samples–Costco for large samples of mostly processed foods, and Whole Foods for a large variety of high-quality, tasty samples.

2.  If you are relying on free samples for your dinner, eat early.  The majority of free samples may be gone by 7 pm.

3.  Don’t take pictures in Central Market or bother their employees with your ridiculous questions.

4.  Eating small amounts of a large variety of random foodstuffs will surprisingly not give you the fire-poo.  None of the day’s participants have complained of stomach issues.

5.  Expect lots of cheese samples.

6.  Although it is possible to subsist exclusively on food samples for a day, the better alternative is to just get a damn job and pay for a proper meal.

Remember to visit Tasty Touring to get Jodi’s perspective regarding today!!