The Forty Days

What do you think of when you hear the words “Renaissance Festival?”  I used to think of people dressed in silly outfits talking gibberish in ridiculous accents, who had no senses of humor, took themselves way too seriously, and constantly cried into their pillows at night because they lost at Dungeons and Dragons and never got laid.  But after a day at the Texas Renaissance Festival, I realize how very wrong I was.

My friend Rick and I leave early in the morning and drive to Plantersville, Texas, to the festival grounds.  Although I have an awful blog with a very small readership, the folks at Texas Renaissance Festival actually seem somewhat excited that I am there to blog about the festival, and they set us up with the royal VIP treatment.  (Either Texas Renaissance Festival is desperate for media attention or they have yet to read my blog and realize that its low quality makes me completely undeserving of any special treatment.)  Upon arriving at the Media Center, our wench escort for the day, the lovely Sarah, takes us to the costume shop to play dress up.  (The festival rents costumes on-site for very reasonable prices; actually, I don’t know about the prices–our costume rentals were free!)  Proud of our Jewish roots, Rick and I request to be dressed up as money lenders, but I end up wearing a kilt and Rick dresses as a knave or something.

Dressed in our new digs, we have some swagger to our step and feel a little more connected to the strange, new world that is enveloping us.  Sarah explains to us that this is the largest Renaissance Festival in the nation, covering fifty-three acres.  What we will see today is only a small portion of what the festival has to offer.  As we are walking toward the beginning of the parade route, which we are to partake in, we happen upon a band of my Scottish brethren, and they entertain us with a little ditty about an unfortunate Scottish lad.

The Scottish contingency escorts us “backstage” where the parade will begin.  Once backstage, all of the characters lose their accents and assume their real personalities.  We talk to a couple of these newly-transformed individuals, who explain to us that many of the workers/characters are local doctors, lawyers, and other regular human-type people, who once enjoyed the festival as patrons, and now choose to spend their weekends working here.  Interesting.  You mean you guys who dress up as pirates, fairies, demons, and wenches are real people like me?  You just blew my mind, good sir.  We proceed over to our rickshaw, meet our driver, who has a tail, and we are off into the crowd as part of the parade.  Rick and I shout some pretty crazy things at the “commoners” watching the parade.

As you can tell, the parade is a trip, and we are next presented to His royal majesties, the King and Queen of England.  We have no idea what the protocol is for interacting with most of the characters wandering around, much less the King and Queen.  So Rick and I wing it.  We hand flowers to the King and Queen and fall to our knees in subservience.  The King states that he appreciates our obedience and loyalty.  In response, I proclaim: “I will kill for you, my King!  I will kill anyone here that you desire!”  The King looks a little shocked.  A wench pulls us away from the King and Queen.  I think we are scaring them.  After we exit, Sarah tells us that she thinks we surprised the King and Queen, as most people who are presented to them simply stand there.  Hahahaha.  Rick and I just freaked out the King of England!

We next proceed to a “mud show,” which is clearly for the masses and relies primarily on mob mentality.  Essentially, it involves two grown men playing in mud.  Rick and I then try out some axe throwing.

And although I tend to stay away from Germans for obvious reasons, Rick and I stumble upon some absurd German rappers.  Impromptu dance party!

We then attend the King’s Feast, which involves a six-course meal, a show, and well-endowed wenches with heaving bosoms serving us meat and ale.  Before the meal begins, we sing an interesting song about forks.

And before each course, we sing my now-favorite song, which I have named “Eating Drinking Dancing Singing.”

The next course?  Turkey legs!

As the day winds down, I realize that the festival is operating on two completely different levels.  On one level, the festival operates as a venue for family-friendly fun.  But on another level, there are big-bosomed ladies wearing corsets, men dressed as barbarians and knights, and outright flirting and sexual innuendo.  I can cut the sexual tension with the huge sword I just saw a tiny man carrying.  This unexpected, multi-layered aspect of the festival piques my interest.

When I ask Sarah about the historical accuracy of the festival (such as, “Isn’t this more medieval than Renaissance?”), Sarah explains that this is simply a fantasy fair, not a historical re-creation.  And then when I tell Sarah that I think the festival has to be much more fun when dressed in medieval garb, she agrees and says something to the effect that the people who are not dressed up are not in on the joke.  Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Now I get what this is all about–something I never understood before about these festivals and its participants.  The Renaissance Festival is all about having fun and acting goofy–something I can completely appreciate.  It offers its participants an opportunity to shed their normal selves for a couple of hours, step into an alternate reality, assume a different persona, and explore that world in a silly, non-serious, innuendo-filled manner.  People do this type of stuff all the time–Second Life, role-playing, Halloween, my first date with Wendy Johnson.

I walk away from the festival grounds with my preconceived notions about the festival and its participants shattered.  The participants are not humorless, history-obsessed uber-geeks.  Having dressed up and participated in their world, I truly had fun–and, at the very least, I am not humorless or history-obsessed; the uber-geek part, however, is up for debate.  As far as I can tell, the festival is all about exploration and being goofy–which are also the building blocks of this very blog.  So for those of you like I was–cynical and allegedly too cool for this kind of make-believe–I would recommend further exploration of this antiquated, pseudo-world.  But that definitely has to include dressing up (remember, you can rent costumes on-site).  You may not get the pimped-out VIP blogger treatment Rick and I received, but you may walk away with a new-found appreciation for this sub-culture and a smile on your face.

Texas Renaissance Festival is celebrating its 35th Anniversary and is open on Saturdays, Sundays, and Thanksgiving Friday from October 10 to November 29.