The Forty Days

I do not like the mall.  I do not like going to the mall.  I don’t even like thinking about the mall.  Come to think of it, I don’t really even care for the word “mall.”  Whenever I go to the mall, I am only there to complete a very discrete task, and I make sure to walk quickly, complete my task efficiently, and then run away as if I am an inmate on the lam.  But maybe I’m giving the mall a bad rap; maybe it has more to offer than I give it credit for.  Then again, maybe it has less to offer.  So today, I am imprisoning myself in a windowless, climate-controlled mall for the entire day–in Barton Creek Mall, the best indoor mall in Austin I am aware of–to experience all the mall has to offer.

10:30 am:  I arrive at the mall, a short time after the stores open for business.  I am tired and grumpy.

10:45 am:  Breakfast.  I have to eat three square meals today at the mall.  Insert cringe here.  For breakfast, I opt for a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant and a smoothie from Frullati Café.  Oddly enough, this is one of the only breakfast options, as all the other food court shops are content selling Philly cheesesteaks, pizza, and Chinese food before 11 am.

11:15 am:  Apply for a job.  I walk into the quintessential mall store, Spencer Gifts, and ask for a job application.  They are hiring for $7.50 an hour.  I fill out the application in the food court and write my salary demand as $15 per hour.  I also list my best friend from second grade, Scotty Smalls, and my mother as my references.  I’ll let you know if I get an interview.

11:59 am:  Request a tour.  As I return from the bathroom, I see two men entering a restricted area.  This gives me an idea—maybe I can get a backstage tour of the mall.  I locate the mall management office and explain to the receptionist that I have a blog and would love a behind-the-scenes tour of the mall.  She consults a manager, who denies my request.  Didn’t you tell her I have a blog??!!  She says that due to 9/11, they cannot let me in the restricted areas even if I am accompanied.  Clearly, the terrorists have won.

12:25 pm:  Enter a sweepstakes contest.  I can feel it!  I’m gonna win a brrrrrraaaaaaaand neeeeeew  caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr!!  In actuality, I will probably just get a lot of junk mail from giving them my home address.  Crap.

12:45 pm:  Makeover.  I go to the Macy’s cosmetics department and wander aimlessly.  Can guys even get free samples/makeovers?  What is the protocol here?  A nice girl, Jennifer, at the Lancome counter asks me if I need any help.  I ask her if I can try any samples.  She starts applying a hand cream, and I ask her if I can videotape this.  Umm, sure, she says.  She starts applying the cream and then asks the inevitable question—what is going on here?  I explain the blog concept and my day’s activity and ask her if she can do a makeover on my face.  She doesn’t really have anything for men’s faces at the moment, so I suggest she make me into a goth.  (Goth kids always hung out at the malls when I was growing up.)  Surprisingly, she is completely into the idea and gets to work.

Below is the end result.  Thanks, Jennifer!  Everyone should go see Jennifer at the Lancome counter in Macy’s!  She is helpful, enthusiastic, and apparently has way too much time on her hands.  I re-enter the mall in my goth make up and try to find some goth dudes to hang with.  There are none to be found—I thought they always skip school.  Now I am just a one-man goth gang in a bright blue t-shirt.  Awk.  Ward.

1:45 pm:  Lunch.  I eat a slice of cheese pizza and drink water.  I don’t even get soda.  Man, I’m so health-conscious.

2:15 pm:  Exercise.  I wash off as much black lipstick and eyeliner as possible and go for a forty-five minute power walk.  I try to find some old ladies to walk with, but I think they get to the mall at like 7:45 am, and there was no way I was getting here that early.  I listen to some awesome 80’s music to keep me moving.

3:02 pm:  Build-A-Bear.  Build-A-Bear is the new craze sweeping the nation’s malls.  It’s just like other long-lasting mall-related success stories, such as Debbie Gibson, Beanie Babies, and heroin!!  I put a heart inside him, stuff him, bathe him, and create a birth certificate for him.  I name him “The Monster” because I have created him from scratch and he is now a-l-l-l-ive.  (As I am sure you are all aware, Frankenstein is the name of the doctor; his creation has no name, but is often referred to in the book as the monster.)

Am I the only one who thinks that this bear stuffing process seems overwhelmingly sexual?  Anyway, I am overly excited about my bear.  The excitement unfortunately does not last long, and now I am stuck with this thing.  Anyone want to buy it for a limited-time offer of $15?

3:45 pm:  Reconnect with an old acquaintance.  As I am sitting on a bench, a law clerk from my building last year walks by.  We haven’t seen each other since our respective clerkships ended in mid-August.  Are you wearing black eyeliner?  No . . . Yes.  Is this what you like to do outside of work?  Hold on, there’s a completely reasonable explanation for this (which I recount for him in detail).  C’mon, I couldn’t make something like this up if I tried.

4:30 pm:  Relax.  I go into Brookstone and try out every massage appliance in the joint.  I decide that I want to marry a $3,000 massage chair I spend about fifteen minutes in.  The massage chairs whet my appetite for the real thing, and I get a fifteen minute chair massage.  The masseuse, however, digs his elbows into my shoulders and is generally rough with me.  Is this guy with the LAPD or something?

5:30 pm.  Nap time!!!!

5:55 pm:  Play time.  Refreshed from my catnap, I want to have some play time.  I go into Game Stop and Radio Shack, but there is nothing to play with.  I go into the crowded Apple Store, but there are only laptops and iPhones and such, and I play with those things all the time in my ordinary life.  David sad.

6:41 pm:  Shopping.  I can’t believe I’ve been in the mall almost eight hours and haven’t gone shopping yet!  I urgently need a new pair of shoes, as my current pair is falling apart.  All I want is a pair of blue Pumas, but Journeys, Finish Line, and Nordstrom do not have any.  I give up.  I then realize that it may not actually be the mall that I hate, but shopping that I despise.  I have always hated shopping for clothes, whether inside or outside a mall.  (If you have been internally critiquing my fashion sense throughout this blog, my hatred of shopping explains why all my clothes are from 2005 and earlier.)  Maybe I’ve been unjustly blaming the mall all this time.

7:28 pm:  Dinner.  Third mall meal of the day.  Three words.  Chick.  Fil.  A.

8:05 pm:  Portrait.  I first approach Glamour Shots, but they are too expensive and do not produce same-day prints.  But Picture People do same-day prints and they cut me a sweet deal on a shoot because of the blog.  (What am I going to do when I’m no longer a big-time blogger that can talk his way into getting free stuff from businesses?)  Sarah Boger takes some hilarious portraits of me.  Here they are!  You’re welcome!

8:50 pm.  I finally leave!  The stores close at 9 pm, and I am outta here.  I have to say that I actually had much more fun at the mall than I thought I would.  Essentially, I thought a day at the mall would be hell on earth.  I was going to take in a movie, but there just wasn’t time to fit it in.  Really?  Over ten hours at the mall and not enough time for all I wanted to do?  I should have just cut out the shopping.