The Forty Days

Does anyone remember the 1992 romantic-crime-dramedy film Mo’ Money starring Damon Wayans?  I don’t–except that (1) it was terrible, and (2) it may be where the saying “Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money” comes from.  I love that saying and compulsively repeat it whenever I talk about money, which makes our husband-and-wife trips to the bank very embarrassing for Betsy.  Today, I am joining my friend Anthony, a day-trader, and he is going to teach me how to day trade on a simulator, so I can make some mo’ simulated money.  (By the way, can you believe it’s already Day 38?  I’m almost done with this thang!  In case anyone is wondering, yes, I am exhausted.)

I meet Anthony at his office in the morning, and I immediately see a pool table, a ping pong table, and a huge TV with an Xbox 360.  Day trading is gonna rock!  We then enter a pitch-black room with rows and rows of desks and huge computer screens everywhere.  Anthony tells me that the darkness allows the traders to see the screens better.  Anthony sets me up at my terminal, gives me $100,000 of (simulated) buying power, and begins instructing me on how to day trade.  There are graphs and indecipherable boxes everywhere, which Anthony attempts to explain to me.  Uhhhh-hu.  I reckon.  As far as strategy goes, Anthony instructs me to engage in a variety of trades–some high-volume and low-volume stocks; some expensive and cheap ones; buy some stocks and short sell others (short selling is when you sell a stock that is essentially borrowed from a third party in the hopes that the price of the stock decreases); and hold some stocks for longer periods of time and some for shorter periods of time.  As Anthony explains the computer system and recommended strategy, my overarching strategy dawns on me.

Yup, I decide to buy stocks from companies I dislike the most–AIG, Exxon, and Halliburton.  Why?  Because they seem to always make money–except for AIG.  But AIG is due for a big comeback!  Proud of my Jewish hertiage and our prowess in the financial sector, I decide to also buy stocks associated with things Jews like–the Gap, gold, banks–and sell short stocks associated with things Jews don’t like–Home Depot (because of our dislike of manual labor) and Disney (because Walt Disney was an alleged anti-Semite.)  I spend most of my $100,000 and exclaim, “I’m learning how to day trade!”  “I wouldn’t say that,” replies Anthony.  My Wharton undergrad professors would be so disappointed in me.

While we let the market work it’s magic and make me some money, I ask Anthony about his experience day trading.  Anthony began approximately two years ago after being introduced to it by friends.  He has always been intrigued by the market and enjoys the day-trading lifestyle–setting his own hours and being his own boss.  He tells me that day trading is a lot harder now than it was a year ago.  But wasn’t the market in a tailspin a year ago?  Yes, but it was volatile, which is good for day traders.  Interesting.  I ask Anthony if day-trading isn’t just the same as gambling.  Not really, he says.  It’s more like playing black jack when you know how to count cards.  Sure there’s some risk involved, but if you’re good you can better predict changes and trends in the market.  Anthony then states that the average day trader should not expect to make any real money the first eight to twelve months because there is a huge learning curve.  Damn, that’s a long time to work and live without making much money.

Because the opening and closing of the market is usually active and the middle of the day is usually slow, Anthony and I get down to the real business of the day–ping pong.  As you can see, I’m having a great time day trading!

Throughout the day, Anthony and I play two best of three sets.  He wins the first 2-0.  Ouch.  But then in the afternoon, I win the second set 2-1.  Boo ya!  Who’s the big winner?  Both of us, I guess.  We’re not the only ones playing around, though–there’s a bunch of dudes around the TV playing Halo.  At this point, I should probably say that I do not see a female in the office the entire day.  According to Anthony, there’s eighty to ninety day traders in the office and only one girl.  Man, those are some pretty damn good odds for that girl!  Girls, if you’re looking for a hubby, don’t go to singles’ events or do online dating or stalk your prospective mate as he’s leaving the post office–become a day trader!

When we return to my terminal, I see that I have lost approximately $150.  That’s nothing, considering I have about $100K in the market.  I decide it’s time to go big or go home–I either want to make a ton of money or lose it all.  Embracing this drastic change in strategy, I get rid of all my stocks and put almost all of my money into selling Apple short, predicting it will go down.  I don’t know why I think Apple will go down, but some of the chart-thingies on my computer screen seem to indicate that this may be likely.  Instead, Apple rises precipitously.  Bad idea.  I lose about another $520.

After about forty minutes of losing money, I engage in another dramatic strategy shift and put all of my money into short selling Halliburton.  I am much more comfortable with this–rooting for the share price of Halliburton to fall.  It does!  Yay!!

This is the last trade of my day, and when the market closes, I make back about $400.  Accordingly, the day’s losses total about $270.  Really?  I spend all day engaging in the riskiest and most haphazard strategies I can conjure in an attempt to go big or go home, and I only lose $270?  Oh well, I’ll just go home then.  Actually, I’m happy I didn’t win heaps of fake money.  Because everyone knows: “Mo’ money equals mo’ problems.”

Two more days left!  Two.  More.  Days.